What it means to be wealthy—including whom your money helps—can have a vastly different meaning, depending on your values, your upbringing, your location, your experiences and many other factors.
For instance, in many Latino families, being able to take care of even extended family members' needs and the local community tends to be a large priority, said Eli Mercado, a senior fiduciary advisor for BOK Financial® Private Wealth.
"Lots of time, such as in my childhood, there are multiple generations living under the same roof, so taking care of your family's needs and being seen as a provider means more to someone's self-esteem than compounding money," he explained adding that this often shows up as philanthropic giving on a very localized level, which feels more visceral to some.
What does your family value most?
This view of financial success as a means to help others is alive in both affluent and non-affluent families and in multiple cultures; it comes down to prioritizing the needs of the family or community over the individual, experts said.
"The level of wealth is not the determining factor. One of the main differences that you see culturally is sort of a collectivist attitude, where family members are very mindful of the greater good for the family and the community," explained Maureen Kelley, director of family office services with BOK Financial.
It's important for family members to be clear with each other on their family's values—including any expectations that relatives will help each other—and how these values connect to your family's history, Kelley said.
"What is very powerful among all families is family history," she continued. In fact, talking about family history—including how one's ancestors generated the wealth that has been passed on to current family members—can be a great segway to discussing financial values and goals, particularly in families where it is difficult to talk about money, she explained.
Communication among generations is key
In all families, good communication is key to educating younger relatives about money and to creating bridges, rather than moats, between generations, experts agreed.
Five questions to get the conversation started
These questions can help lead to meaningful discussions about money, no matter where your family is starting from, according to Maureen Kelley, director of family office services with BOK Financial:
"When it comes to protecting yourself online specifically, pay attention to where you're going and what you do there. We're seeing so many more ads and 'products' on social media that are masking criminals trying to access your information," Garrett said. "Scrutinize the site and, if it doesn't feel right or legitimate, don't provide any of your personal information."
- What does wealth mean in our family?
- What is the purpose of our family wealth?
- What does passing on values to the next generation really look like?
- What are the cherished traditions in our family?
- Have some of these traditions started to drift away? What would it take to renew them in a fresh way?
"Financial literacy is critical, but communication is really what helps families grow and gives them empowerment," Kelley said. Some ways to accomplish this are by creating a family mission statement and by holding regular family meetings, where everyone has a voice.
When having these talks, how things are said is just as important as what's said, Mercado noted. "The key word is talking about money, talking about wealth—not lecturing. Kids will tune you out. You need to have an open and honest dialogue with them and connect the concept of money with responsibility. Sometimes adults have a hard time fielding kids' questions about wealth, but their questions should be treated with respect."
Sometimes conversations about money between generations may get heated, but that's just part of the process. "Conflict is very normal, and we all have it. The question is what strategies we have for conflict resolution," Kelley said. "What's important is creating a safe space where people can express their opinions."
For instance, in families where charitable giving is important, making collective decisions about where to give can help bring families closer, even when members come to the discussion with different views on what causes are important, she explained.
"Even if they have different values, it's often sharing those values that can be really impactful," Kelley said. "Again, it's that communication of 'why': Why are we giving? What's impacting my values and how is that important?"
All in all, families today are doing a better job of having intergenerational conversations about wealth than older generations did because of the level of openness now, she noted.
"When having financial discussions with kids, I always say, 'Talk often, talk early, talk more,' because it's problematic when there isn't any understanding and there is secrecy and misunderstanding."
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