A hidden price tag here, a secret betting app there—over 40% of Americans in relationships admit to concealing financial information or lying to their partner about money.
The most common lie? How much they spent on a purchase, according to the NerdWallet survey.
Similar to sexual or emotional cheating, financial infidelity is a breach of trust that can have a long-lasting impact on couples. In fact, more than half of adults surveyed by Bankrate say financial cheating is at least as bad as physical cheating.
But where does appropriate financial independence end and financial infidelity begin? It might be a thinner line than you think.
What does it mean to be financially unfaithful
"Financial infidelity is any form of dishonesty within a relationship or marriage where one partner is hiding financial information or secret financial activities," said Megan Hughes, managing director of family office services with BOK Financial®.
This can include:
- A secret credit card or savings account
- Not sharing changes in your salary or credit score
- Undisclosed debt
- Lying about the cost of a purchase
- Spending more than what your partner would be comfortable with
- Hiding purchases
But does this mean you need to discuss every single purchase with your partner?
Hughes said no.
"The differentiator is when it's intentional without the consent of the other spouse," she said. "If you've agreed as a couple that you don't need to communicate about spending under a certain dollar amount or for particular categories like groceries, that's not infidelity."
However, intentionally hiding information, even for small purchases, can be a betrayal, she cautioned.
How bad is it?
Financial infidelity is usually the result of fear, shame or guilt, says Hughes. "It might be as simple as not wanting to be told no about a desired purchase. Sometimes, people feel embarrassed by past overspending or shameful about the amount of student loans they have and decide not to disclose it in a new relationship."
Usually, it's not about the money but about the underlying emotions. Regardless of the reason, hiding the truth can cause emotional and financial problems within the relationship, she said.
"Really, at any level, it's not okay. This type of dishonesty has the potential to be damaging and explosive," Hughes said. "What may start small can become legally, financially and emotionally overwhelming."
How to overcome a violation of trust
"Unfortunately, financial infidelity is very prevalent," said Hughes. "The good news is that overcoming it and getting well as a couple is possible."
Hughes’ tips for healing:
- Address the issue as soon as possible. Don't let it fester because it will worsen.
- Communicate transparently. Hughes suggests starting small with one issue at a time to avoid you or your partner being overwhelmed.
- Have both partners involved. Sometimes, financial infidelity arises when one partner is not involved in the finances. Hughes suggests partners see their financial planner together and regularly review debt and goals, even if one person handles the day-to-day finances of the household. "I recommend a weekly money date night to make it fun and to keep everyone engaged."
- Have intentional conversations. "We all come to a relationship with our own money scripts—the stories we internalized in childhood and our life experiences with money,” Hughes explained. “It's really helpful to understand where your partner is coming from. What are their money messages, role models and goals?"
- Listen without judgment. Since the root of many of these problems is guilt and shame, you can repair trust by staying open-minded.
- Seek professional support (legal, emotional, financial) when needed. You don’t have to go through this alone—there are professionals who can help.
“Money is a huge source of stress for many Americans and can lead to divorce,” said Hughes. “When infidelity happens, it can be very damaging to a relationship. But you can overcome it with trust, transparency and clear communication.”
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