Financial conversations with your partner

Editor's note: This is part three of a four-part series on financial conversations. Read the first and second.

Money may not be the most romantic topic, but experts agree it's essential to talk about finances with your significant other. With money being a top source of tension for many couples, addressing finances openly and regularly helps partners stay aligned, whether you’re seriously dating, raising kids, planning for retirement or navigating a second marriage.

Six key money topics to discuss
1. To prenup or not to prenup?
In the past, couples often built wealth together after the wedding, but the rising age of first marriages means more people are bringing assets into their relationships. While economic stability contributes to stronger marriages, it can also complicate things, according to experts. If one partner has significantly different financial footing, a prenuptial agreement can help.

“People who get married in their early 20s may have not been in the workforce yet, haven’t accumulated much assets and may not own a home—starting with a clean slate,” said Victoria Ungashick, private wealth executive at BOK Financial®. “More often now, I see people in their 30s and 40s getting married. One person may already own a home or have excelled in their career, so they’re coming in with different financial situations.”

For couples entering second marriages or blended families, experts suggest creating an estate plan immediately following the wedding to protect children and outline the way assets will be directed when a spouse passes away.

“You can ensure your spouse is taken care of for the remainder of their life, while at the same time protecting assets for your children from a previous relationship,” said Megan Hughes, managing director of family office services with BOK Financial. “If you leave everything outright to a spouse, you're hoping that they honor your wishes and take care of your children, but you have no control over that unless you have an estate plan.”

Hughes also recommends using a corporate executor or trustee to manage blended family estates.

2. Financial planning and budgeting
The bulk of a couple's money conversations will likely revolve around how to use money in their daily lives. Early on, it’s important to ask your partner the following questions, even before they become your spouse:

How do you feel about spending and saving?
Do you have thoughts on separate accounts or shared?
What’s your approach to investing or your risk tolerance?
Do we need to ask permission before making big purchases?
Who’s paying off debt first if both partners have it?

However, financial planning isn’t a one-time conversation.

“Talking about how you're using money and the approach behind it should be an ongoing process that should be revisited regularly with a financial planner,” said Ungashick. This includes short-term goals like debt repayment and emergency savings, as well as your approach to planning for long-term dreams such as buying a home or retirement plans. A financial advisor can guide these discussions and help you create a plan that works for both partners, she said.

3. Kids and money
For couples who decide to have children, aligning on how to manage their financial upbringing is essential. “There is so much nuance in providing for children, and it’s critical to talk about it,” said Ungashick. “Does one of us want to send our kids to private school, and does the other want to pay for college? One parent might want the kids to graduate with some debt, while the other feels obligated to provide 100% for their children.”

Beyond discussing costs with your partner, experts emphasize teaching kids how to manage money by talking about it regularly. Some expert tips for the early years include:

Start early: Open a savings account and teach them the value of saving.
Make learning age-appropriate: Use examples like toys or food to explain financial concepts to children at various ages.
Involve them in decisions: Require older kids to pay for some of their expenses and set their own savings goals.
Be transparent: As children grow, let them know if they will have access to education funds, and how much so that they can make informed decisions.

4. Planning for retirement
For many couples, retirement is the dream. However, if there isn’t alignment on what that dream looks like, it could become a source of tension, Hughes said. One partner may want to travel, while the other hopes to spend time with grandchildren. Aligning on timelines, income expectations and lifestyle preferences is crucial.

Here are key questions to help couples align on retirement plans:

What’s your ideal retirement age?
Where do you see us living?
How much income will we need to maintain our lifestyle?
How will we pay for healthcare costs?
Do you expect to fully retire or work part-time?

A retirement calculator can help jumpstart this conversation, and a financial planner can help ensure your long-term readiness.

Plus, the two toughest money talks couples tend to avoid:

5. Planning for death
While no one wants to think about dying, leaving a solid estate plan and clear wishes for your loved ones can be an incredibly kind gesture. To do that, couples need to talk about what happens financially when one of them dies.

“People usually avoid talking about money because it brings up tough emotions,” said Ungashick. “That’s especially true when it involves discussing death. These conversations can be painful, so it’s important to set emotions aside and focus on the facts.”

Topics to address include whether you plan to leave an inheritance or donate to charity, if your spouse will be taken care of and ensuring that life insurance and estate plans are in place. Both partners should also know where to find key documents and passwords.

6. Upon divorce
Divorce is never easy, but adopting a business-like approach and maintaining clear communication can help ease the process and keep conflict to a minimum. Experts recommend the following strategies:

Seek professional help, such as a financial therapist, certified divorce financial analyst or mediator.
Stick to the facts; keep financial conversations as free from emotion as possible.
Maintain thorough financial records.
Update your estate plan, life insurance policy and beneficiaries to remove your soon-to-be-ex spouse.
Consider a postnuptial agreement, if it’s helpful.

By having these difficult money conversations, couples can avoid unnecessary conflicts and create a healthier, more secure financial future together.

“Talking about money with your spouse not only helps your well-being as a couple, it also allows you to grow your wealth more efficiently,” said Hughes. “Together, you can leave a legacy, not just financially but also of your values, how you lived your life and what was important to you both.”

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